Three And A Half Years PF – Post Frankie

I know, I know….I have not been as good as updating this blog recently. This is one project where my Libran indecisiveness, which I have in abundance, has been very much at play and over the last year I’ve had a strong should I/shouldn’t I write in it and update it mentality. I’m busy working on other projects, for example, Cyber Geek Girl is now fully up and running and I am writing content for it whenever time allows. I’ve also got another blog/online magazine project in the pipeline called “Life Body Soul Spirit”, which I hope to launch in June or July. Plus I have my work to focus on, my beautiful German Shepherd/Husky cross Poppy and my family. Let’s face it, there aren’t enough hours in the day sometimes and I could do with another 24 hours!

But despite all this, and despite the fact that at the moment life touch wood is okay, I still can’t get away from the fact that the life I have now is not the life I should have.

I should be the proud mother of a three and a half year old toddler, watching him hit all his milestones and preparing for him to start school in a year’s time.

Instead I am writing this on a train to London as I am going to a trade show for my work until tomorrow, an empty armed mother, forever changed, but still trying to carve out some semblance of her old life.

I think one of the reasons I’ve resisted writing this blog is that it would keep me in that “place”, a place of grief, a place where I have seen so many others remain who have also lost much loved and much wanted babies, sometimes years after the event.

When I first lost Frankie, I wanted to change the world. I launched a charity, I fundraised, I ran myself into the ground, it was relentless. But I think all the other deaths and losses I experienced taught me that there is another way without having to do all that. Hence why Frankie’s Legacy still exists as an entity, but exists as this blog. My skills and my abilities are far more suited to campaigning and to awareness raising, I can do this whenever I feel up to it and I can write this blog when I feel up to it. Frankie existed, and while I may concentrate more on other projects he is forever in my heart, every single day. That will never change. Life is too short to focus on the ones who aren’t here anymore. There are people still here and still living who need me more.

My Grandad Reginald Harper, who I never met because he died before I was born, but who I have heard lots about from my Mum, had it spot when he said, “If you find yourself walking towards my grave, you turn around again, head to the Chequers Pub and have a pint. Think about the ones who are still here, not me when I’ve gone.” The pub he referred to is opposite the Crematorium where he was laid to rest and he was so right, you can’t do anything about the ones who have gone except to treasure the memories you have of them, but you can do something about the ones who are still here.

So I will be writing more, tying into awareness days for miscarriage and baby loss and I’m even thinking of setting up a National Hyper Fertility Awareness Day. Far more needs to be done to highlight this condition and promote it, and if just one other woman recognises the signs and gets a diagnosis then I will be happy. At least I can live the rest of my life knowing exactly why I am an empty armed mother, and why for me it was not meant to be. Many other couples never, ever know which I think is much worse as they will always be wondering “what if”.

I don’t like this hand that life has dealt me, but I have been dealt it, and that’s the way the cards fall sometimes.  As the quote goes from the series “Sex And The City”, “After all, computers die, relationships fall apart. The best we can do is breathe and reboot.”

That’s the best that I do, every single day. I breathe, and I reboot.

And right now, that’s the best I can hope for.

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