The Green Eyed Monster – Part 2

stream_imgToday I awoke to the news that the majority of us in the UK have all been waiting for, that the Duchess of Cambridge had gone into labour.  When Prince George was born I was just over 3 months pregnant with Frankie, and marvelled and how amazing she looked when she left the Lindo Wing of St Mary’s Hospital in London carrying him in her arms and showing off her post partum body in a beautiful blue polka dot dress.  I smiled inside knowing that that would be me in a few months time.  Oh how wrong I was about that.

So today here we are again, the Duchess was again admitted to the Lindo wing of St Mary’s Hospital, but just a few short hours after she was admitted the announcement came that she had given birth to a girl, weighing a healthy 8lb 3oz, at 8.34am this morning.

But this time I just didn’t feel the same about when she gave birth to Prince George.  I posted links on my Facebook page when I saw the news that she had gone into labour (more because of the irony and humour of the headline as here in the UK we are in election mode of the BBC posting the story with the headline “Duchess of Cambridge in early stages of labour”), then again a couple of hours later when it was announced that she had given birth to a girl with the caption of “It’s A Girl”.  But those two posts were done on auto pilot, and mainly to share them with my friends and family abroad who may not have heard the news.

But the truth about how I felt on hearing the news?

I hated it.

I am SO jealous of her.  It will be two years on May 14th since those 2 blue lines appeared for the first time when I found out I was pregnant with Frankie, and yet in that time the Duchess of Cambridge has gone on to have not one gorgeous healthy baby, but two, when I haven’t even been able to produce one.  It is so unfair, and I feel so jealous of her it is untrue.  It is horrible to admit this, but that’s how I feel.

I hate feeling like this, and I hate not being able to be fully 110% happy whenever I hear of the birth of a baby.  Some of you may remember this post back in January where I talked openly about my feelings towards my first cousin who is 12 years younger than me and yet she has become a mother first out of the two of us.  I wish I could say that it is getting easier whenever I hear someone announcing their pregnancy or the birth of a baby.  But the truth is, it isn’t getting any easier.  I’m just getting better at hiding my feelings and pretending that I’m overjoyed and happy when in reality, I’m not.  I’m as jealous as hell.

It isn’t just the Duchess of Cambridge, I know a lot of women who had babies who were born sleeping, but all of them have gone on to have their rainbow babies already.  Even yesterday I noticed a post from a lady I met not long after I lost Frankie who was told that the IVF baby she had who was born sleeping was her last ever chance at ever being a mother, and that it wouldn’t happen for her.  And guess what? Yesterday she gave birth to a baby girl, she got pregnant naturally and did it all on her own.  When I saw that post on Facebook I felt jealous, angry and upset all in one go, and it was horrible.

jealousyBut why isn’t it me?  Here I am sat knowing that this month is another failed month as I am spotting which indicates that Aunty Flo is on her way and will be making a full appearance any time now.  I’ve stopped being so regimented about trying to get pregnant, I’ve stopped being so rigid, I’ve tried to relax about it like they say, but it STILL isn’t working.  When it does work, as it has done four times since Frankie was born sleeping, it doesn’t last very long and my dreams are shattered every time.  I know it is due to having hyper fertility, and I know that it is easier for me to come to terms with knowing that I have a condition that is causing it that I can do NOTHING about, but why me?

Why is everyone else around me getting pregnant, having healthy pregnancies and then giving birth to healthy babies?  Why am I getting left behind?  I am getting older and older and my chance of being a mother with every month that passes is becoming further and further out of reach.  I must have done some terrible, terrible things in either a past life or this life, so I can only think that I deserve this and it is justice for whatever I’ve done.

So today, as many of you are celebrating the birth of the new Royal Princess, please spare a thought for empty armed mothers like me who have to grit our teeth and grin and bear it whenever we hear news like this or that someone we know is pregnant or has given birth.  My thoughts also go to footballer Rio Ferdinand, who lost his beloved wife today as she succumbed to cancer.

I know that after my last posts this one might come as a bit of a shock to some of you.  But just because I’ve been trying to be positive, it doesn’t mean I don’t hurt, that things don’t bother me anymore and that I don’t feel jealousy when I hear the news of a pregnancy or birth. I do.  I have good days and bad days.

Life can be wonderful, but it can also be very, very god-damn cruel.

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14 thoughts on “The Green Eyed Monster – Part 2

  1. “But just because I’ve been trying to be positive, it doesn’t mean I don’t hurt, that things don’t bother me anymore and that I don’t feel jealousy when I hear the news of a pregnancy or birth. I do. I have good days and bad days.”

    That sums it up perfectly, Lisa. Hugs xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for the hugs Leigh, they are very much needed today. I’ve spent so much time trying to be positive recently and live my life to the full because I know Frankie wouldn’t want me to mope, but some days are still very tough, and this is one of them xx

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  2. I can’t ‘like’ your post Lisa as that would be the wrong description for how I feel.

    But your post is honest, heart felt, and totally understandable. I so remember similar feelings. I used to even struggle seeing pregnant women in the street!

    You will have good days and bad days, so don’t feel that you aren’t allowed to be jealous. It is a totally natural reaction.

    I so wish I could wave a major wand and make things happen for you … I can’t, but one things for sure, we are so totally supportive of you and Russ on this journey, and will never shy away from talking about Frankie and your journey whenever you want to. We will never change the subject – we will always listen. x x

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  3. Sending love and hugs. After my daughter’s little girl was born sleeping I haven’t been able to stand being around babies so I was scared when she had her rainbow- now the only baby I’ve been able to be around is my grandson he is over a year old now. My reaction to the royal baby news is to scroll past fast as it still hurts that I’m not looking after two children when my daughter is at work. Hang in there and be gentle with yourself.

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  4. Oh sweetie 😦 I am so sorry to hear your feeling this way.
    although I don’t know 100 per cent what your feeling I can say I know what it’s like to long and yern for a baby I was once told that (well my parents) were once told that I wouldnt live to see my 3rd birthday. I did live, and agenst all the odds (doctors and tests pointing out that I’d never have a child) I went on to have one.
    I’m not trying to upset you but please don’t loose hope 🙂 your day will come I know it will be hard but please have faith 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Aww bless you thank you for replying to my post, I am not giving up, some days are harder than others and this is one of them. It just doesn’t feel fair sometimes, and I hate myself for feeling like this, but onwards and upwards 🙂 xx

      Liked by 1 person

      • You’re only human hunnie you’re allowed to let your emotions out 🙂 I always used to tell myself (and my friends if they were down) that you can’t have a rainbow before the rain 🙂 I know it’s hard not knowing but you’re doing a fab job, keep smiling hunnie x

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  5. Pingback: Learning to find middle ground. | Laughing Through Tears

  6. Yep. It is OK to not be OK. I did write a blog post on this too. if this would help I’ll share it.

    And it is OK for me to say, “It’s a Bitch” when as owner of this blog you cannot. Bitch. because…they COULD acknowledge others pain. I don’t blame KM but I DO blame the press and as someone who has had more than their fair share of bad press as a member of a despised social group in the press I know how cruel the press can be.

    One day…. and it will NEVER be me!

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    • Hi, I would love to see your post, please share it with me. I feel awful for having those feelings towards someone I have never met, but life just seems so unfair sometimes. Thank you for posting xx

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  7. I totally understand how you feel. My beautiful baby boy Noah died during labour at 42 weeks after a normal, healthy pregnancy. I discovered that I had an undetected blood condition, which may or may not have been the reason that he was born asleep. My sister and cousin gave birth to healthy baby boys 12 weeks later, which was so difficult for us. After much soul searching, we decided that we couldn’t risk going through it all again and exactly a year later, we contacted social services about adoption. We have had our 3 amazing children for 4 years now (they are now 4, 6 and 7) and although the pain of losing Noah is still there, it is always lessened by hugs from my children. It’s not happened the way I imagined it would, but I feel so blessed to have my family. I hope that you can stay strong, even when times are so hard. Sending lots of Iove your way x

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    • Hi Emma, I am so very sorry to hear about Noah (((hugs))), and thank you for sharing your story and your lovely comment. I found out my cousin and one of my friends were both pregnant around the time of Frankie’s funeral, it tore me up inside so much, so I know exactly what you mean when you hear about others being pregnant and know about others giving birth to healthy babies. I haven’t given up hope just yet, and if there comes a time when I have to close the door on it, at least I know why it keeps happening to me, which is more than many do. Life can be so good, but can also be so unfair too. Sending lots of love right back at you, please keep in touch xxx

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